Diary of Heptanite

The uppermost entry is the most recent entry.

November 6, 2020

I don't blame myself for hating on edgy stuff because, let's be honest, some of it is cringy and "deep."

Anyways, I guess I'm a lonely person. I do have two close friends but I suppose that even with them I may be lonely, or that might just be some sort of false thought, because that fact that I have friends contradicts the "loneliness." I don't think I actually feel lonely though. I agree on things with those friends though.

I'm not sure though, I might be, I might not be, but I'm probably not.

I think the problem is that I associate many things together and then say that one thing is "this" "that" or whatever because it is related to another thing. I might associate something like "my mental health is degrading" with how people go like "Lol bro my mind is fucked up, haha" and then see both as similar. There's probably a better example I could make but oh well.

Whatever real reason I have for disliking something, it could be a subconscious reason, a reason that isn't obvious to me.

I guess it's good to let out a rant sometimes, a rant about how some people are embarrisingly edgy, but how I dislike edgy "aesthetic" or whatever probably shouldn't be something that occupies a good part of my headspace. It should probably be instead something like:

- I see something edgy. I say some shit about it and then forget about it quickly.

Sounds better I guess.

I think I remember my therapist saying something about me being obsessive about my thoughts and mind and trying to figure my own thoughts out by wondering why I feel a certain way towards certain things. I don't think I really know how to explain it here, probably because it's a lot.

October 28, 2020

Looks like my past entries seem to focused a lot on how much I hate edgy stuff

I will eventually stop focusing so much.

September 11, 2020

I haven't made an entry in a while because I haven't really felt like coming back to this website for a while because nothing interesting has happened, which is alright. I guess for that reason I should make a page for small thoughts that aren't really big enough to be entries.

Anyways, what I'm wondering is why do I hate edgy stuff? When I say edgy, I mean edgy-mental stuff. I'm talking about shit like "I'm so fucked up man, I think I'm a psychopath..." no you're not you're just in over your head. I also mean cryptic shit like "blood on my body" or something like that.

I've been trying to not pay attention to these things because I usually end up getting annoyed by it. It's funny cause quite a few of the websites in my "neighborhood" if you wanna call it that, would probably be seen as "edgy" by me, so I guess it's best that I stay away from them.

Another thing that I think is somewhat relevant to the above: I think I tend to also dislike things that are "aesthetic" even though everyone else seems to love it, same thing kinda goes for other things; when everyone else seems to be enjoying it but I'm not, I sometimes feel as if I am in the wrong. I don't know if this is entitlement.

The "aesthetic" stuff (japanese aesthetic, anime rainy city scene aesthetic whatever) it makes me slightly mad, but why? Why does it bother me when it shouldn't be? I guess these things just have a bad rep to me, maybe because in the past I've seen them associated with depression aesthetic, I don't know.

For example, I find Twitter memes and jokes or whatever, to be unfunny. The "jokes" seem to be mostly just hornyposting; people saying stuff like "i'm horny" what is funny about that? Saying "cum" is apparently hilarious. I don't know if I'm a prude because of this (I guess I sometimes dislike sex jokes because they regard sexual stuff). I imagine that someone would just say "stfu you prude". I don't think I'd be able to argue my way around that.

That's all I can really say for today. Bye for now.

Edit: I should probably just try to remember that these people who like edgy aesthetic are probably good people, regardless of how edgy they are. I guess I just don't like edgy aesthetic, and I guess I tend to judge things at face value.

September 2, 2020

Maybe deep down, I should be feeling/thinking some things and what not but I at the same time don't want to? I think I feel like by feeling/thinking the "same" way or "same" things as anguished people in general, I am stooping down a level. This could be contempt for these people for some reason and it might be out of low self-confidence. I don't like to say that, but it might be true. Hell, I think by writing that I felt like it makes me lower than anguished people, which I guess pisses me off (doesn't piss me off that much to make me angry).

Sometimes, I might avoid making/saying/thinking some things because such things might make me "similar" to an edgy teen whos just angsty. The fact that I am avoiding that might say something.

If there is contempt, its likely because I am so focused on how there might be some people out there who think mental illnesses like psychopathy or whatever, are quirky or badass, so I start to think that anyone who goes on about their mental issues are just in over their head.

August 30, 2020

I think I might understand what was meant by "you seem to be in conflict with your ego." I was told that by my therapist and perhaps it means that I'm not exactly sure as to what I want? I don't know, but I guess "What do you want from others?" is a good question to ask myself.

I don't know, I seem to really dislike it when people are edgy about their thoughts and feelings, sometimes it makes me annoyed and perhaps mad with such people, even if they are experiencing mental anguish, but perhaps the reason I don't get upset is because I don't know what it's like, yet I can't shake off this dislike for such things.

It's even small things like depression/introvert jokes that irk me, perhaps deep down I think "Yeah you're depressed, I get it" and maybe I feel that way because I've seen so many examples of people joking about their depression along with hearing about how mental illness is considered trendy by some people.

Perhaps the joke part makes me irritated about seeing the jokes over and over, and perhaps the "mental illness is trendy" part makes me feel doubtful of people. But what do I want from these people? To stop being the way they are? Yeah, that's unrealistic but maybe thats what I'm thinking deep down.

The good thing is, I am trying to let go of all this and stop focusing on these people by telling myself that I don't need to care. I don't need to care about the people pretending to be edgy psychopaths or sociopaths or whatever. Sometimes I don't stick to that philosophy and I decide to take looks at these people and what they say, possibly to make myself feel better, but I guess it's not like I'm able to just stop caring all of sudden. I guess I just need to practice.

Edit: "You seem to be in conflict with your ego." I think I know what it means now. This may not have been what my therapist was pointing at, but still. When I said in my last entry on August 20, 2020, I said that for some reason I think I did not want to feel that feeling.

This time, I was reading the diary of some other person saying something that I won't say because privacy I guess (Just there I felt like putting "I guess" after "privacy" because I guess I felt dislike/spite towards this person, even though thats dumb I guess, but I also wanted to not put that there.)

What they said, I think made me feel some concern/sadness but I think I didn't want to feel this and that I wanted to push it away. The ego is what allows you to make decisions between what your id and superego say.

I am no psychologist or anything like that, but perhaps sometimes I use the "repression" defense mechanism, where the ego stops "disturbing or threatening thoughts from becoming conscious," those thoughts coming from the superego.

Maybe I was trying to repress those feelings because deep down I might think that such emotions make me like those depressed/anxious/edgy people, and my ego defended me from such feelings, but I also felt like "Maybe I should just let myself feel these things" and perhaps that is why I am conflicting with my ego.

There are probably errors with what I said, because I don't think I thought this out ALL that much, but it might explain something.

August 20, 2020

I recently lost my globalcams account, both the password and e-mail, so I'm using this account as a new start.

I just listened to a song that made me feel something. It was a bittersweet feeling, but for some reason, I did not want to feel this, I think? I think I interpreted it as a sad feeling, and deep down, I might believe that to be "depressed" or "anxious" or to have any sort of disorder that makes one feel sad is pitiful to me. I was told that this might be projection, and that I might be the pitiful one. One person said it sounds like I have depression but I project a lot. Maybe I am depressed but I don't even know it.

I think I even started to feel a bit surprised by the feeling, does that mean that I haven't really felt anything in quite a while? I don't know, and I don't want to jump to conclusions. I think there was even a little bit of fear in there, maybe.

Anything regarding mental health, I seem to be dismissive of it. I think that it's ridiculous; people talking about how mental health is an issue, people talking about how shitty they feel, etc. My therapist said that I might feel like it's all ridiculous because the mental issues of others might remind me of my mother who was pretty harsh. I think I might be experiencing some cognitive dissonance right now, but I might be thinking that because the phrase "cognitive dissonance" went through my head.

I think I might be trying to suppress sad emotions for some reason, possibly in order to feel above depressed people. I think I also desperately try to understand my own thoughts and study them, and try to figure out what they mean, almost like it's some sort of puzzle. I think I even also sometimes try to suppress my self so that I won't be like certain people.

Edit: I think I tend to be spiteful of certain people. Sometimes I feel like annoying certain people only because of small details about them, like their style or what they talk about.

Perhaps I am bottling up my feelings, I really don't know.